(I am in the process of updating my book “An Unexpected Journey: The Road to Power and Wisdom in Divorced Co-Parenting.” I will be posting the updated chapters as I complete them. This is the introduction.)
In the co-parenting classes I have taught over the years, most of the participants were engaged in high conflict situations. Initially, I used a curriculum that focused on communication skills, cooperation and the impact of conflict on children. I learned quickly how difficult it is to teach people to communicate and cooperate when tensions were high. I became determined to find ideas and methods that would be more helpful. Undeniably, the participants in the classes were in a great deal of pain. Having been through a difficult divorce some years before, I understood and felt for that pain. I wanted to contribute something practical that would lessen the pain and make their lives better.
I made several discoveries that radically changed the approach I was taking:
1. You Can’t Communicate Well When You’re in Reactive States
First, you can teach co-parents communication skills, but emotionally reactive states render them unable to use them. Because you love your children so deeply, situations involving children’s well-being, can stir up intense emotions. When you are angry, frustrated, fearful, anxious or resentful you are unable to be rational and logical. One of my favorite sayings is: You cannot talk to emotions with logic. Telling a person when they are in the throes of intense emotions to communicate nicely is an exercise in ridiculousness.
2. The Word “Co-Parent” Can Be Problematic
The word “co-parenting’ implies that two people in the relationship should be able to cooperate and communicate, and that if they can’t, they are hurting their children. The problem with this implication is that even if your intention is to communicate effectively, you cannot make your co-parent cooperate. Co-parents get frustrated because they feel like they are trying, but they can’t control what their co-parent does. When you hold out hope that your ex will co-parent with you, and they don’t, it makes things worse.
3. Most Importantly…
You both don’t have to be on board to make things better. Even if you are in a great deal of conflict with your ex, even if you feel as though you can’t communicate with them, you can still significantly improve the situation just by the changes you make within yourself.
This book is focused on YOU. This book helps YOU gain power and wisdom in co-parenting. When you feel like you are losing control over the things that are most important to you it is easy to feel powerless. When you feel powerless you are more prone to behave in irrational and desperate ways, which further diffuses your power.
Co-parents in these situations do not need to be told what they have to give up, or how they should be nicer and more compromising. They need to be taught how to step into their power. This book is going to teach you to be powerful because children do better when their parents are confident, secure and in control of themselves. Children of divorce already feel insecure a result of the changes and disruptions in their families. When parents are out of control and desperate, it only makes matters worse for them.
What is Power?
Power, as I define it here, is all about being able to control your emotional reactivity so that you can be smart. True power and wisdom in co-parenting go hand in hand. When you can control your emotional reactivity, you can think clearly about what you are trying to accomplish and how to accomplish it. When you are being controlled by your emotional reactivity, you are almost always working against what you want. Power is more about being in control of yourself than being in control of others. Power is often thought of as being aggressive, but, in fact, aggression is often powerless because it comes out of an emotionally reactive, desperate place.
True power is about effectiveness. It is about being able to see clearly what you want and how to go about getting it. Power can look very quiet. Power is a feeling of knowing, of feeling strong within yourself. It is the feeling of being in control of yourself and not at the mercy of others. Power is the ability to stand your ground like the oak tree that sways in the wind but doesn’t get blown over.
(The updated version will be available in June 2026. In the meantime, order the existing version: An Unexpected Journey: The Road to Power and Wisdom in Divorced Co-Parenting.) Read more about the book https://alisajaffeholleron.com/co-parenting-book/)
