I have been preparing, anticipating, freaking out, almost chickening out, over this first road trip without Bob. But here I am. First night out of a four month camper trip. I am staying at a noisy RV park, Love’s RV Stop, right on the highway in Normal IL. Life on the road can be often be social, but it has been a very solitary day. I didn’t talked to anyone in person.
I kept thinking it was a trip without Bob, but everything about this trip is him. A talked to him as I drove, pointing out the price of diesel fuel at different stations, an activity he was obsessed with. I asked him questions when I was having trouble figuring things out. I asked him why he wasn’t here. “Where are you?” I asked, even as I felt him in the passenger seat next to me.
The trailer is neater without him but I’d rather have the mess and have him pay me a real visit. To answer some of those questions I have on my mind. To make sure he’s ok. To get a hug.
He is proud of me. I feel it. I get scared, but I am doing this. Fear be damned. I am not going to let fear stop me. I am still healthy and feel young, and I have this chance. I’m not squandering it. Bob got me ready for this. He taught me and encouraged me and in the end, when his health was failing, relied on me to do what he couldn’t do anymore.
We planned to be on this trip together. We knew his time was short and although we didn’t say it out loud, but we both knew it would be his last trip. Neither one of us thought I’d be making the trip alone.
I didn’t know until now how much going on this trip, and telling the story of it, would be a way to grieve; to learn to be both with Bob in a new way, and be without him.
8 Responses
Hi Alisa,
I so look forward to more blog posts and sharing this journey with you. I became tearful reading this first post. So well stated and reflection is pitch perfect. Stay safe, continue learning about yourself, and enjoying this journey with Bob at your side. Love you!
Thank you Allana!
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. Proud!!!
Thank you Leilani!
Alisa, you are incredible! I’m so reading this – by your courage, your wisdom, your determination and the kindness of humans. Keep these post’s coming! Sending love and hugs.
Thank you Debbie! Your encouragement and love means so much to me!
Thanks for sharing your journey, Alisa, tears and all… I hope you sleep well tonight surrounded by tree wisdom. Xo
Thank you Gretchen! Thanks for following along.